It was not unfitting that I released a record entitled Living Through Collapse and just five days later underwent a surgery for a disease that has haunted my body for over two decades now. It was not unfitting that this disease—like the collapse unfolding in its manifold forms across the Earth right now—became so overwhelming that, at some point, I numbed to the pain in my body, a pain that was signaling just how far out of balance things had become. And it was for these reasons that the waters in me met my eyes when I came across a post where Waorani land defender Nemonte Nenquimo wrote “I feel the climate crisis in my body.”
We have entered the age of consequence. Endometriosis, in part, is a a response to the anthropogenic toxicity impacting our planet. Endometriosis continues to mystify doctors, but its expression is generally agreed upon to be an interplay of genetics, hormones, and environmental factors disrupting said hormones and causing endometrial-like tissue to grow outside of the uterus, sometimes weaving organs together and often creating scar tissue and lesions in the womb space. Treatment options include medication, surgery, and minimizing exposure to endocrine-disrupting chemicals.
Spoiler alert: endocrine-disrupting chemicals are everywhere. They include flame-retardants in furniture, which offgas into our bodies (these are things I had no idea about prior to this), the plastics in our clothing, BPA or BPS on thermal paper receipts, PFAs in cookware and food packaging, pesticides, and industrial pollutants such as dioxins in air and water. We can not avoid them completely. This is why Nemonte’s words are not metaphorical for so many of us suffering the health impact of human ignorance. Her sentiment is especially painful, as Indigenous people have borne the brunt of the ills of capitalism and colonization —even as they continue to model ways of living based on deep care, reciprocity, and protection for the Earth.
I grew up on the propaganda of the 80s and 90s that continued the historical pattern of minimizing and dismissing women’s suffering, especially when it comes to our cycles. Decades worth of advertising campaigns have contributed to capitalizing off this bypass of pain while promoting relentless productivity (a 1949 Midol advertisement reads “No need to let monthly cramps spoil your disposition or efficiency!” or their more recent campaign in 2020: “Don’t let period pain slow you down.”) I thought that menstrual pain was normal and I am unlearning this. I read every book and listened to every podcast I could find on endometriosis and they all seemed to make sure to drive this point home: pain is a sign that something is out of balance and needs attention. I am not being hyperbolic when I share that this fact was groundbreaking for me. At least 1 out of every 10 menstruating people have endometriosis, although the numbers are likely much higher as it’s notoriously difficult to diagnose without surgery, and because of this widespread dismissal of pain. There are so many people suffering in silence with this disease and that is why it feels important for me to be sharing on this deeply personal topic and normalizing discussion on it.
I keep coming back to what is indicated symbolically by a disease whose locus is womb tissue wandering outside the womb, searching for a place to root, as if exiled from its own home. Could it mirror a larger dislocation and disassociation from land, a severing of reverence and connection to the mother? Is it a symptom of a culture disoriented from centering life and on a self-destructive path? I question what is happening in the collective wombspace, with its rising infertility. One need not try hard to think of a recent example of violence against children. The UN warns that 90% of soil will be degraded by 2050 if we continue on this path that we are on with deforestation, pollution and intensive chemical agriculture. Perhaps the suffering of the womb, both personal and collective, is a reflection of our estrangement from the life-giving forces around us.
The grief, the need for healing and the responsibility that arises in asking these questions is the heart of my new record. I resource these questions from my observations in the world and the experience that I am living through.
As I emerge from these foggy days of convalescence, I offer a prayer for a world worthy of the innocence of children. May we come back to re-membering the body of this Earth as our own body. May we all possess the focus to turn together towards what nourishes life for all. And may we find the courage to break the silences around us that prohibit us from repairing what needs to be repaired.